Are You a Cat or a Dog

I’ve been doing this psychotherapy thing for over fifty years and I learn a great deal from my patients in the course of our interactions.  In a recent exchange with a male patient about his marriage, he complained that his wife doesn’t seem to want to spend as much time with him as he does with her.  We had previously discussed the definition of marriage and my viewing marriage as a true partnership.  His complaint was that his wife could spend time away from him without contact, texting for example, which he took to be a rejection because he assumed that a true partnership would entail knowing where each other was at any given moment and being together whenever possible.  There was a context for his insecurity but the essence of his feeling was really rooted in his concept of what marriage should be and look like.  I speculated that his wife might feel similarly but did not see her actions as a violation of that concept.  As I listened to him, it struck me that he was a “dog” and his wife was a “cat”.  Adjectives that come to mind when we think of dogs are words like: loyal, loving, emotionally available, protective, even courageous.  Adjectives for cats are things like: independent, aloof, finicky.  Suffice it to say that we in general look more favorably at dogs than we do cats.  Try to imagine Tabby bursting into the kitchen to tell us that Timmy is trapped in the well.  Of course, if we do that, we are not being fair to cats because after all they are just being true to their nature.  We also tend to equate feline and femininity which is also incorrect and distorting.  My wife and I joke that our beloved Samantha, a schnoodle, acts like a cat when she chooses to sit by herself on the couch rather that curl up next to me on the recliner.  The point I am making is that loving and partnership can be expressed in different ways and that the way you express it might be very different from your partners without either of you loving the other any less.  Some people, really personalities, see themselves joined to their partners.  They are dogs.  Others see themselves as more alone in the world.  They are cats.  One is not necessarily better than the other but you had better know which one you are with because your expectations need to be in line.  Failure to recognize the difference in style and worldview can lead to misunderstanding and conflict that should not exist.  Like Samantha, who has cat qualities, people can be dog-like or cat-like at times or in some circumstances but, as a generalization, I think it works.  So, are you a cat or a dog?

Support, But Don't Help

My second topic is another insight that I have learned from my patients over decades of practice.  It goes something like this.  John comes home from work and says to Mary: “That boss of mine is impossible.  On days like this, I feel like quitting.”  In response, Mary says: “Have you tried talking to him?  Sometimes, the problem is just poor communication.”  John gets irritated and says: “Mary, you just don’t understand what I’m dealing with.  And besides, you work in a much more positive environment and your boss is always supportive of you. “Mary feels rebuffed and thinks John is an ungrateful SOB, just like his father.  The rest of the night does not go well.

John is expressing frustration and Mary is well-intentioned.  The problem is one I see over and over again in families and between friends.  John is emoting but he is not asking for help.  Mary hears the emotion but chooses to ignore it, opting instead for a solution to the problem.  What would happen if Mary’s reply to John were something like this: “That’s terrible, Honey.  Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.”  John might say: “Well, we can hope but I’m not optimistic.  By the way, what’s for dinner?”  Support, but don’t help.  It has turned out to be the best single piece of advice I have ever given.  If you don’t believe me, give it a try the next time a loved one or friend complains to you about their life.