"Do You Come Here Often?"

A common issue that arises in therapy is how to meet new people, especially how to meet someone to date.  The rule of thumb is that we meet people through common activity.  When we’re young, we meet people at school.  When we’re older, we meet them at work.  We also meet people when we are pursuing our interests, especially sports.  And if we have one interest in common, we may have more and if we do then more general friendship may develop.  We usually refer to meeting people in the normal living of our lives as meeting them “naturally”.  This is in contrast to meeting them unnaturally, commonly referred to as “online dating”.  Online dating sites have been the subject of much criticism and most of us have heard horrific stories of deception, etc. associated with them.  While unfortunately true, dating sites are the most direct way to meet people in today’s cyberworld, outside of common activity.  The problem associated with them stems from two related sources, in my opinion.  One is that the sites sell themselves as being able to guarantee compatibility by matching profiles and the second is trying to develop a relationship through text or email.

While the idea of describing oneself across different dimensions is appealing, the description is in the eye of the beholder, namely, the person themselves.  As we do not always see ourselves clearly, that description may more closely resemble who we would like to be rather than who we are.  Add to that, the specter of deception or, at least, embellishment and the resulting profile is not the scientifically accurate representation that the website advertises.  Common interest is the fuel of relationships and is therefore necessary for its development and maintenance.  Knowing what interests or activities you share is one of the most important ways that we develop a relationship but we can engage in that discovery process after meeting our prospective partner in person.

The other pitfall that online daters regularly fall into is trying to develop the relationship through text or email.  For as long as there has been texting, I have counseled my patients to use it only for logistics like arranging the time and location to meet.  I advise to never try to discuss anything of importance as texting and emailing lack the cues necessary to really understand what the other person is saying.  There is no volume.  There is no inflection.  There are facial expressions.  In short, they lack some of the critical information we need to truly understand what the other person is saying or trying to communicate.  Without that information, those cues, it is too easy for the receiver to color or taint the communication to reflect what they themselves want to hear.  It is not unheard of for people to develop a relationship through virtual communication means like texting only to discover when they actually meet the person that their image of that person was radically different than was the picture that they had drawn in their mind’s eye.

There is often reluctance on the part of my patients to use online dating websites.  The problem though in today’s world is there are relatively few ways to meet new people outside of school and work.  In all my years of clinical practice, I can think of only a few successful couples that met at a gin joint.  By contrast, I have many friends who met their mates online.  Because of the myth of profile matching and the pitfalls of virtual communication, I tell my patients that the online dating website is just a way of meeting people, nothing more.  No different that saying hi to someone at the produce section of the supermarket.  And after that initial greeting, you have to do all the things you normally would to develop the relationship.  So my advice is that, as soon as you know that you have an interest in the other person, arrange an in-person meeting. It usually takes about a minute when we meet people in person to know whether there is a chance for a relationship to develop.  Avoid a protracted virtual exchange for all the reasons described earlier.  Who knows, maybe you’ll meet the match of your silver single life and live in e-harmony with plenty of fish to spare.